The Nature of Human Existence
by Jade letters
Summary: The Fullmetal Alchemist is the talk of Amestris. The Peoples Alchemist. And Ed is pretty happy with that as his reputation. Now if only he can get people to stop mistaking his little sister, Al, as the Fullmetal Alchemist, he'll be golden. Well... besides getting his and his sisters bodies back... this may be harder than he thought.


**Disclaimer: As with everything else, I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist, and I probably never will. And the fact that this makes the world a much colder and sadder place does nothing to change that and it never will. *Sobs* I just steal the characters and play my strange games with them. Listen, you can hear them screaming now…**

***This, like everything else I do, will be very AU. VERY! It involves an Always Girl!Al. And a very little used plot. If you don't like that, you can leave. I await your reviews and flames! All flames will be used to make s'mores! Give me your hater words!***

****I love this Anime and it pains me that there is absolutely no Fem!Al fanfiction out there! I mean come on! He's my favorite fluffin' character! And I believe that male characters can be totally awesome as females… And I just can't see Ed as a Chick. Sorry…Now if you switched everybody… but not just Ed. No.****

*****This story will very much follow canon. But a lot of things will be different. As they always tend to be with me…*****

**-_;p –o- q;_-**

Edward Elric was nothing, if not determined. And once he had decided something, there was nothing, nothing, that he would let standing in the way of that. And when his mom died, he decided that he was going to get her back.

At first, he didn't want to. He didn't even think about it. He was too caught up in the impossibility of the fact that she was dead. She _**couldn't. She just couldn't.**_ Mom was… she was always there. Always. And to even contemplate that she wasn't anymore…

What finally convinced him was his sister, younger by one year. When Alphonsa, though she adamantly preferred Al, crashed into him. She griped his waist and cried. She cried. Sobbed and sobbed. And for a while, Ed couldn't comprehend what she was crying about. Couldn't she see that there was no way that Mom could be dead? It just _**didn't make sense. **_But she just kept crying, soaking his shirt and pressing her tiny face into him. And finally, finally, he got it. Mom was never coming back and there was _**nothing **_he could do about it. And when he finally excepted it, he didn't have the energy to stand there anymore. He fell to his knees, talking Al with him. He started sobbing too, and he snaked his arms around Al's tiny form and and just held her, trying to wrap his mind around the fact that they had no one but each other.

It was also Al's words, after the funeral as she sat staring at the grave of their mother, that convinced him that there _**was**_ something he could do. And by God he was going to do it.

"Hey brother? I'm hungry, aren't you? And it's cold here. Let's go home. Please?" she sounded so small and broken. Like she was wondering what was going to happen next.

She turned away from him, "Once dad get back, everything'll-"

Ed didn't mean to yell. He really didn't. But when he opened his mouth, a harsh shout came out, "Don't even talk about Him!"

Al, looked over at him, tears in her big, gold eyes and he immediately felt terrible. He ignored that though. He was too angry.

"That bastard doesn't care about us! He's not our Dad. He didn't even come for Mom's funeral." He says angrily.

Al hugs herself and turns back to the stone in front of them. Ed does the same and looks sadly at the words carved into it.

_Trisha Elric_

_1878~1904_

Ed looks over at Al again. She's hugging her knees, tears filling her big eyes and her tiny body shaking with almost-sobs. And that breaks him. How can he let her, his little four year old sister, be like this? His determination hardens, because he _**can't.**_

__"You know, there might be a way that we can bring her back," he almost whispers.

Al looks at him, shocked, "But I thought in all the book it said that using Alchemy to make humans was something you aren't supposed to do, ever."

She knew what he was talking about. Alchemy, which they were both very good at, especially for only having started a few months ago.

Ed stands up, determination growing by the second, "Ya, and that's why it can be our secret."

"I thought I'd find you here," a girls voice that definitely isn't Al rings through the graveyard.

Al looks over her shoulder, but Ed doesn't move. He already knows who it is.

Slowly, he turns around, "What do you want Winry?"

Winry is looking down, "You know what Grandma says? She says you shouldn't cry for loved ones who've passed away. Because when you do, it makes them feel sad in the next world too."

"I'm not crying! And who are you to talk anyway? Every time your parents go a way you cry like a little baby!" Ed yells at her.

Winry's eyes widened, "I do not! I don't !"

"Ha! Ya sure…Baby!"

Ed finds himself smiling. He didn't try to, he just did.

Winry scowls, running toward her house, "I'm so stupid for worrying about you! I'm going home to tell Grandma not to make you any dinner!"

Ed eyes widen. NO food! That was too far! "Hey! What would ya do that for!"

He runs after her, forgetting about the grave behind them. "Hold Up!"

He hears Al's tiny footfalls behind him, "Ya! Wait for us!"

He grins. He can always count on his little sister to side with him. And when she catches up to him, the fact that she grabs onto his hand even though she's lagging behind him doesn't make him shake her off, like he usually would. He only squeezes her hand tighter and runs faster, trying to get as far away from that graveyard as he can.

-_;p -o- q;_-

Later that night, they're all sitting around the table at Winry's house.

"Thank you for dinner!" they all chorus.

Al starts hurriedly gulping down her milk, a happy expression on her face.

Ed turns away from her and stares moodily at his own.

"Drink your milk too, Ed!" Pinako snaps.

"No. I hate milk."

Pinako scowls, "If you don't drink your milk, you're going to stay short forever!"

Ed's eyes twitches and the entire conversation descends into mutual short insults with Al and Winry eating exasperatedly in the background.

-_;p -o- q;_-

The school bell rings loudly in Ed's ears. He had been caught reading his Alchemy books in class again. He was board and couldn't talk to Al, since he as a seven year old, and she as a six year old, were in different classes. So he had decided to pull out the books that he and Al had pulled from their fathers old study and read some more on Alchemy. Though he and Al didn't talk about it much, they were still planning to try and bring their mother back. Al had some major reservations about it, but she trusted him and he talked her into it. He would later find out that Al had done the same thing. She hadn't gotten in as much trouble as he had, because, let's face it, no one could resist her. She was adorable. When he had found out that she had done the same thing he had, he had been strangely proud. She had an astonishingly good understanding of Alchemy. Sometimes even better than his own. And he was her big brother. I just made him… Proud.

Winry had been nagging at him since the end of school about it. She wasn't nagging Al. _**Noooo.**_ Al was back there holding Winry's hand and skipping along next to her. _Traitor._

"You were reading those weird books again in class. You need to pay attention to the lessons!" Winry said from behind him.

Ed groaned, "Leave us alone, will ya!"

Winry scoffed, "Oh I don't care that Al does it! She gets perfect grades! Which you would too if you would just pay attention!" she paused, "So, what kind of books are they?"

Al giggled, "It's a secret."

_Ok,_ Ed amended in his head_, maybe not a traitor…_ He still thought she should have been next to him. He needed to be able to keep an eye on her. He needed to protect her.

"In other words, it's none a your damn business Winry!" Ed drawled.

He could practically hear, Winry's scowl, "Hey, no fair! You guys are always keeping secrets! You're corrupting your sweet little sister, Ed!"

Ed scoffed and Al giggled. She ran up to him when they got to the bridge, clasping his hand with her smaller one.

They kept walking and Winry yelled, "Hey, I forgot, Grandma wanted me to tell you she's making Stew tonignt!"

Al practically jumped for joy, turning to face Winry and dragging his hand with her, "Yay, stew!"

Ed raised his other hand in Farwell, "Ok! We'll be there!"

Al tuned around again, flinging his arm over her head to not get tangled in it. Ed laughed at her quietly. She smiled and moved closer, pressing her smaller body to his.

-_;p -o- q;_-

That night found them laying on the floor of their Dads study. Al was curled up against Ed, reading a book that he didn't even understand some of. He was lazily flipping the pages of his own book and letting his mind wander for a bit.

"Whoever invented Stew must have been a genius." He mused out loud, thinking back to their earlier meal at Winry's, "It's even got milk in it and it still tastes good!"

Al made a face, and said, amusement clear in her tiny voice, "So that makes it genius?"

Ed sat up, ignoring Al's annoyed 'Omph!', "Someone came up with the idea to pour milk into vegetable soup for the first time, right? That's a leap of imagination! The kind that a scientist needs to be able to make too!"

Al, who had settled herself on her stomach again, tilted her head, "I don't know. I guess that's true."

Ed grinned down at her, "Sure it is! Just one leap! That's all it takes! And it's what we need to figure out human transmutation!"

Al laughed at him, rolling over and lying next to him on her back, looking up at him, "Ok, brother!"

Ed grinned down at her. They could do this! He just knew they could!

-_;p -o- q;_-

After that night, things got much, much more serious. They trained under an Alchemist, who taught them to prepare their bodies, as well as their minds. Her name was Izumi Curtis, and she pushed them. It was almost like she knew what they were going to do, even though they never told her, and was trying to make sure that they didn't die. She pushed them hard physically too. To the point where even little Al, who was dwarfed by everyone they met, even other six year olds, could thoroughly kick Ed's ass in a fight. She even once judo flipped a boy who tried to tease Ed. Ed then proceeded to beat the rest of them up, so he didn't feel _**too**_ bad about her protecting him.

They trained and trained and trained, over the course of four years, when Al was no longer four, as she had been when this all started, but ten (though still tiny as she was smaller than everyone, even Ed, who was short in his own right) and Ed was no longer five but eleven. And they didn't stop until they felt that they could do what they set out to do.

-_;p -o- q;_-

Ed stood next to Al, helping her sift the heavy ingredients into one big pail. They were finally going to do it! They were going to try and bring Mom back! It had been a long and arduous process, but they were ready.

Ed had spent the last few weeks devising a Human Transmutation circle, while Al found the ingredients for an adult human, because, as she had lamented to him in a very annoyed way, you couldn't find them anywhere! But they needed them. For, for something to be gained, something of equal value must be lost. It was the law of Equivalent exchange.

_Water, 35 liters. _

_Carbon, 20 kilograms. _

_Ammonia__, 4 liters. _

_Lime, 1.5 kilograms. _

_Phosphorous, 800 grams. _

_Salt, 250 grams. _

_Saltpeter__, 100 grams. _

_Sulfur, 80 grams. _

_Fluorine__, 7.5 grams._

_Iron, 5 grams._

_Silicon, 3 grams,_

_And trace amounts of 15 other elements._

After all that, all they needed was one more thing.

"And now for some soul data," Ed said as he drew a knife across his finger, "You ready?"

Al nodded, her face set as she cut her own finger and the held their hands over the pail and let the blood drip down. They pull the pail into the center of Ed's carefully drawn Transmutation circle. If their calculations are correct. This should be enough to make a person, their blood providing a base for the fabrication of a soul.

As he kneels down next to Al at the edge of the array, he claps his hands down on the complex lines and watches as Al does the same.

He looks over at her, "This is it."

She nods and gives him a small smile. Ed looks forwards again as the circle starts glowing bright blue. They both grin at the circle in anticipation. Ed knows this'll work. They can do this! He just knows it.

Then, black mist starts creeping up the sides of the circle as the familiar blue light turns a sinister purple.

Al looked over at him, "Ed, something doesn't feel right."

He knows what she means. It feels like something awful is leaning over their shoulders. Like something horrible happened and they just didn't know what it was yet.

Suddenly, Al is flailing back as yelling as little black hands start pulling at her and _**unraveling**_ her.

"Al!" Ed yells, only to fall down with a cry of pain when he feels something happening to his leg. Ed looks back and sees those same little hands _**pulling his leg off**_, in the same way they do Alchemy, "No, it can't be… a rebound-" he mutters, wondering how things could have gone so wrong.

"Brother!" Al screams and Ed whips his head around to see Al being pulled towards the center of the circle by those god awful hands, "Ed! Help!"

Ed watches, horrified as the hands start pulling her apart.

"Ed!" she screams again, reaching for him, fear written on every inch of her face.

Ed throws out his hand for her. Only to meet nothing as she completely dissolves.

"Al!"

Sudden;y, everything is white. Ed stands in the middle of a field of nothing, feeling strangely emotionless. He feels like he should be freaking out right now, screaming for Al. but he isn't and doesn't really feel the need too.

"Al? Wait- what was I doing? I just…" he wonders aloud.

_**"Hello."**_ A strange voice sounds in the empty space, sounding like it was echoing and like there were three of it speaking at once.

Ed looks down from his inspection of the room and wonders if he's halucianting when her sees an add child-like being made of white and surrounded by that same black fog from earlier, "Who are you?"

It throws up its arms in what Ed assumes is elation, _**"Oh! I'm so glad you asked! I am called by many names. I am The World, I am The Universe, I am God, I am Truth. I am One, I am All. And I am also… You."**_ By the end of this, the being who Ed decides to call Truth is pointing at Ed. There is a huge rush of air behing him as a door that Ed didn't even know was there, opeded with a tremendous creak.

Ed feels himself being turned towards the door as a giant eye opens up to stare at him.

_**"You have dared to knock on The Door. Now, The Door is open."**_ Truth says in that frustrating way of his.

Black tendrils wrap themselves around Ed and start pulling him towards the door. That emotionless feeling drains out of him and he screams and tries to run away from The Door, only to be pulled back.

_**"Be quiet Child,"**_ Truth says in an almost annoyed way, _**"This is what you wanted isn't it?"**_

__Ed tries to grab The Door as he's pulled through it, only to have it closes itself after him.

He is thrown into a sea of information. It feels like all the knowledge in the world was pouring itself into his brain all at once. It feels like his head is going to burst and knows that he can't take it all,

Threads of information swirl around him and force themselves into his mind.

"It's too much! It's too much!" he screams, "Make it stop!"

He can feel himself starting to unravel like Al did, "What's happening to me!" Ed yells, wishing that this all would just end.

And then, just for an instant, it all became clear. It all made sense. The Truth. Of everything. And he saw a beautiful shining figure that he _knew_ was their Mom. He cried out for her, reaching for her. She reached out too, but just when they were about to touch, The Door closed again and he was left standing there, hand still outstretched, just like with Al.

_**"How was it?"**_ Truth asked, sitting in the same place he had been before.

The second Truth spoke, that same odd, emotionless feeling that he had had before flooded back into him, pushing out all of his pain and desperation with it.

Ed turned back to The Door, dropping his hand as he did so. He walked towards it, saying, "I see. My theory of Human Transmutation wasn't wrong. It can be done- It's possible." He placed his hands on the elaborately carved surface of The Door, "It's still just missing something! All of the answers I need are right here! The Truth about Human Transmutation!"

Ed turned back to see Truth standing instead of sitting like he had been this entire time, "Please! You have to show it to me again!"

_**"I can't do that."**_ Truth said, _**"I've already shown you all I can for the toll you've paid."**_

Ed furrows his brows, "Toll? What toll?"

Truth holds out his led as it begins to turn into Ed's own leg, even as he can feel it disappearing from himself, _**"This. I thought you knew. It's the law of Equivalent exchange. Right? Young Alchemist. "**_

__Ed is suddenly back in their Dad's study, clutching at the stump where his leg used to be. Where his leg _**should**_ be. "Dammit! This can't be happening! It- it can't be! This wasn't- this wasn't supposed too…"

Ed looked up, screaming in pain. Where was Al? Where was she! All he saw was a pile of her little clothing in the circle. But _**no Al. **_

"NO! She's gone!" Ed fell over next to the Transmutation circle, "She's gone! What've I done?"

"Somebody… somebody help me… somebody…" He cries.

The glow from the Transmutation fades and he looks to the circle. Maybe.. maybe they succeeded. Maybe they brought Mom back… "Please, Mom… please…"

But when the smoke clears, what he sees isn't human. And it _**definitely**_ isn't their mother. It reaches out towards him, stretching mangled limbs, and then, to Ed's utter horror, it dies, collapsing in a pool of blood.

"No… no… this is wrong-" because it was. That thing wasn't human and it certainly wasn't right! "This isn't… this isn't what we wanted!" because it wasn't! All they wanted was their Mom back! They wanted things to go back to the way they were!

"No.. Al- Alphonsa! Alphonsa!" He curls his bloodied fists on the floor, "This is all my fault… Alphonsa no!"

He can't let this happen! He can't! He was her big brother, he was supposed to protect her! He, who talked her into it over, and _over_, and _**over **_again, even when she wanted to let things be and move on!

He drags himself over to the wall, knocking down a decorative antique armor of a little girl that had only been a little too big for Al when she jokingly tried it on. The head falls of when it hits the floor with a rattling clang.

He pulls himself painfully to the neck of the armor, "No, Dammit! You won't take her too!" he yells, knowing that Truth can hear him, drawing a complex Transmutation circle in the neck of the armor, "She's my sister! Take my leg! Take my arm! Take my heart! Anything, you can have it! Just give her back!"

He claps his hands together and slams his hands down on the tiny suit of armor. A bright blue light fills the room and he blacks out.

-_;p -o- q;_-

Ed wakes up in a bed. He can feel the covers over him and he can feel a slight weight next to him. For a while, he grasps for an explanation of how he got there. And for that while, he can pretend that nothing's wrong. That was all just a bad dream. And that weight next to him is Al, who crawled into bed with him again, because even at ten she's afraid of being alone in the house at night. Except, there's a gaping absence of any sensation in his right arm and left leg. There was this awful absence of sensation after two points of intense pain in both. And he

knows that they're both gone.

The Transmutation and Truth and Al… Oh God Al! He's terrified of opening his eyes, because, what if he failed? What if his little sister, died? What if she died and it was entirely his fault! Ed doesn't know if he could live with himself if that were the case. But then he realizes that the weight he noticed before is shaking. Shaking and making small little noises and sobbing in a voice that he _**knows**_ is Al, even if it echoes a tiny bit now.

So Ed lifts his head hesitantly, still half expecting to not see her and realize that he imagined her. But what he sees is a small decorative suit of armor, face pressed into his bed and tiny hands curled into fists in his sheets. White hair was splayed about metal shoulders that were shaking with sobs.

"Al?" Ed asked, almost expecting her to disappear.

Her head shot up and she gasped, though her face didn't change at all, "Brother!"

She threw herself at him and wrapped him in a hug, " When I woke up… I saw… You were just… there… and there was so much blood.. I thought.. I thought-" she sobbed into his chest.

Ed blinked. This all gave him a strange sense of vertigo. Mostly because he could only return the hug with one arm. And that when he did wrap his one arm around her, his fingers met cold metal. And this was his sister's _**body**_ now. Not that he wasn't glad she was here. That she was _**alive.**_ But that was gonna take a little while to get used to.

She sobbed into his chest, not actually producing a single tear. He didn't have anything to say, so he just pulled her closer with his one arm, ignoring the spike of pain that that caused and just reveling in the fact that she was _**there.**_ He felt his own tears squeeze themselves out of his eyes and he just hugged her too him.

He doesn't know how long they sat there, sobbing and holding on to each other because they were _**there**_. And because they were all the other had left.

-_;p -o- q;_-

"Brother?"

Ed looked up at Al, trying to dismiss the empty look he knew resided in his eyes. She hated it. The first time he had looked at her after everything had set in and he had fully understood what happened, she had burst into waterless tears and flung herself at him, sobbing that she was sorry. She had been doing that a lot.

"Yeah" Ed asked.

She looked up at him, somehow still managing to look adorable with armor as a body, "Why this one?"

Now Ed was thoroughly confused, "Huh?"

"Why this body?" she asked quietly, "I know the layout of that study. I spent years in that place. This armor was sitting on the top of the desk while the other one was on the floor. Why this one? You were bleeding to death and desperately trying to save my life, so why use this body when it would have been easier to use the other one?"

Ed could feel his brain working. He didn't really have an answer to that question. When he had been in the middle of that, he had never even considered using the other armor. He knew which one she was talking about. It was a big hulking thing, covered in big spikes and absurdly tall. It had never once even occurred to him to use that as his sisters body. It wasn't even an option.

The more Ed thought about it, the more he realized it was because he knew that she would have hated that. For one thing, that armor was male. For another, Al had always been small and she hated the idea of being overly big. She had always been happy small and she never wanted to change that, unlike Ed who was loathe to the idea of even being called short.

"Because I knew you would have hated being like that." Ed said simply in answer.

Al just looked at him for a second, then she launched herself at him and sobbed into his chest again. He just held her like he did every time. He knew how much she needed it. God knows he needed it too.

-_;p -o- q;_-

**I loved writing that! It just made me happy! I shall update everything else! Have not fear! I'm just lazy and have been writing slow. And my internet hates me and will never work.. I have many excuses.. I shall not say them! I laugh manically at you! Hahahahhahhaahahhahahahah! **

**I may or may not include a Male Mei later on in the story. Because I totally ship AlMei. If I do, he will be taller. And older. More Ling like. But still Mei. And Xaoi Mei will be there. I don't know. It all depends on my twisted muse!**

**Give me your flames! They shall be used to make delicious s'mores! Give me s'mores! Love ya haters! I want your reviews too! Give them to meeeeeeeeeeee! Peace!**

**~Jade out**


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